


I'll Show You Where All My Demons Hide From You

by MellytheHun



Series: Kylux Angst November [6]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Falling In Love, I still don't accept Hux's canon name, I'm using my fanon name for him, M/M, Pining, Redeemed Ben Solo, Romance, Tragic Romance, tumblr event
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2016-11-11
Packaged: 2018-08-30 07:51:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8524837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MellytheHun/pseuds/MellytheHun
Summary: Day Eleven of Angst November: Letters We Never Sent/Words We Never Said





	

**Author's Note:**

> _“I want to be the nighttime with you._
> 
>  
> 
> _You know, I loved you._
> 
>  
> 
> _I loved you._
> 
>  
> 
> _I was wrong.”_
> 
>  
> 
> \- I Want to Be Alive by Dorothea Lasky

Even after Kylo defected, he didn’t go back to being called ‘Ben.’ No matter what redemption might come – if there truly is any left to be had for him – Ben Solo is long dead. That dead boy’s name is like splinters beneath his eyelids and no one uses it. Not even Leia. Most days, she doesn’t call him anything at all. She prefers to touch his shoulder or influence him through the Force to meet her eyes to get his attention.

Kylo thinks it’s her way of fighting the urge to call him by the name she gave him; there is a knee-jerk reaction he can feel her suppressing. He thinks too that when his hair is freshly cut (still worn long), it takes the sort of shaggy shape of Han’s hair during Han’s youth. If she ever made the mistake of calling him ‘Han,’ he doubts they’d recover from it. He expects that if the war doesn’t take her and she’s blessed enough to live into late age, she’ll eventually start mistaking him for Han as her mind goes. He hopes he’s dead before then.

On more difficult days, ‘Kylo,’ doesn’t even always feel right. Sometimes he asks to be called just ‘Ren.’ That too, though, can trigger unfortunate memories and he will be left with the ghost of a feeling – cobalt eyes glaring into his, unafraid, powerful and all too human. A memory more like a phantom.

He sighs deeply, feeling another burn in his chest – not physically, but through the Force.

He’s always been strangely connected to Hux through the Force – he has always been able to feel Hux like there might be a cord binding them. He was always able to feel Hux’s stress, anger, excitement, concern, pleased arrogance – he could feel it all and it never mattered how far Kylo strayed. He could always feel Hux and that hasn’t changed.

He felt it when Hux was captured and for the past few hours, he has felt every burn, punch, kick and cut of Hux’s unforgiving interrogation.

Dameron wanted no part of it from the start and Finn, as Kylo has learned to call him, was at first quite pleased at the idea of vengeance, but once he saw Hux cuffed, bloodied and bruised, he quieted and thought better of it. Kylo should have known, really – Finn has never had a stomach for violence. He could certainly never take a prisoner and the truth is, Finn still feared the General; even subdued, the General’s likeness incited a deep, conditioned fright in him.

Rey, in comparison, was eager to get her hands on Hux.

Leia is off-planet currently and Kylo knows she wouldn’t let this get so out of hand if she were here. She doesn’t approve of torture, but Rey is struggling with the pull to the Dark and Kylo is no one to try and stop her.

When he made a weak effort to convince her that to torture Hux would be regrettable, she brushed him off and told him to go through Hux’s belongings in the meantime, in search of any useful information. Her eyes were sharp and left no room for argument. She wasn’t about to be criticized by him for being rough with prisoners and he doesn’t blame her.

He has no place to.

So, now he stands in one of several unoccupied conference rooms with what items were found on Hux displayed over a table. Dameron is behind him, wondering loudly if he can reprogram Hux’s ‘awesome,’ personalized blaster to recognize only his fingerprint as it does Hux’s.

Hux was captured on a single travel pod, so there wasn’t much with him. Change of uniforms, toiletries and several holopads – not much else. Once Dameron is done toying with Hux’s blaster, Kylo hands him one of Hux’s holopads.

“Bring that to Pava – she’ll be able to break into it without frying the drive,” Kylo says, “I don’t know Hux’s passwords. I know that one is where he keeps weapon idea blueprints, though.”

“Seriously?”

Kylo just nods in response and Dameron grins at him, smacks his arm in this annoying way he’s taken to doing and exclaims, “alright! That’s amazing that you remembered it! I’ll go take it to her!”

Since he arrived at the base, Dameron was intent on forgiving Kylo – that alone, Kylo could have tolerated. Dameron is also fixated on being Kylo’s _friend_ , however and Kylo doesn’t care for that at all. Dameron is much too touchy, too loud, too cheery and Kylo can’t understand why someone would forgive him for torturing them.

Rey hasn’t. Kylo supposes that course of action is wise.

After a few over-animated moments of Dameron singing Kylo’s praises for identifying the specific holopad, Kylo is left blessedly alone.

He looks down at the two remaining holopads.

One he knows is full of statistics and financial information (Leia will be interested in the investors of Starkiller and Kylo actually does know the password to that one. He was socializing telepathically with Hux during an important meeting and Hux had made some passing joke that his password for the financial data is the name of their cheapest investor, who had been sitting across the table from Hux. Kylo had congratulated Hux on being able to hide his disdain so well and Hux had smiled to himself. It had been unexpectedly endearing.)

The smaller of the two holopads, though, Kylo has never seen before. He picks it up and it buzzes with past activity like a haunted house – this pad was held by Hux nearly everyday and there is an emotional charge in it. There is frustration, shame, humility, awe and traces of other, happier emotions Kylo didn’t know the General was capable of.

Kylo’s brow furrows curiously as he stares down at it.

He clicks it on and when the password is asked, without understanding how, he just _knows_.

_Millicent_

The holopad glows into life and it quickly becomes apparent that this holopad was reserved for personal thoughts. A type of journal, it would seem.

Kylo moves his fingers over the screen, passing through multiple entries and noting how analytical Hux is even in his private thoughts. There are descriptions of dreams, nightmares – there are entries with reflections on childhood memories, Hellish accounts of experiences at the Academy, reports on what seems to be a vast array of symptoms of post traumatic stress that were on the rise. It’s all highly personal but organized as if readying it for a presentation.

Among the entries, Kylo finds a folder titled ‘Observations.’

He would think that ‘Observations,’ would be reserved for Hux’s more work-related holopads. The thought that there are _observations_ personal enough to General Hux that he kept them in what is a essentially a diary makes Kylo curious enough to open the folder. The folder has several entries in it which all read a lot like scientific reviews or detailed anthropological studies despite being very personal in nature.

 **_Observation:_ ** _Ren’s vocoder is beginning to crackle._

 **_Theory:_ ** _Ren’s vocoder is old and/or abused._

 **_~~Realization:~~ _ ** _~~Ren’s raises his voice too often.~~ (Not a realization; always knew this.)_

 **_Concern:_ ** _Ren’s stress levels ought to be lowered. He shouldn’t be yelling so much. (Who is he even yelling at?)_

 **_Counterpoint:_ ** _Ren never seems to care about my stress. Why should I care about his?_

 **_Counterpoint to Counterpoint:_ ** _Ren’s stress bleeds into mine, so eliminating his would serve me well._

 **_Objective:_ ** _Make observation known to Snoke. Perhaps Snoke will know how to encourage Ren to keep his blood pressure down._

 **_Conclusion:_ ** _Snoke has been alerted to my concerns and was grateful for my watch, but I cannot know if he will do anything about it. Follow up on later date._

Kylo feels a dull electrical shock in his side – he knows it belongs to Hux. He holds his side with his free hand and thinks back on the odd day he had on _The Finalizer_ when Snoke told him he ‘had reason to believe,’ Kylo was overworking himself. He had instructed Kylo to meditate more, which Kylo did. It helped very little, but the results don’t really seem to matter right now.

He had no idea that Hux was Snoke’s ‘reason to believe.’ He never would have guessed that Hux cared at all.

He scrolls down.

 **_Observation:_ ** _Ren works out alone._

 **_Theory:_ ** _In all likelihood, Ren **wants** to work out alone._

 **_Concern:_ ** _Ren has no one to work out **with**._

 **_Counterpoint:_ ** _Ren isolates himself purposefully and I shouldn’t care._

 **_Counterpoint to Counterpoint:_ ** _Ren’s natural state might not be in isolation if I’m to understand the dynamics between the Knights of Ren – he might be unable to seek out anyone to spar with. There are several potential explanations for that._

 **_Realization:_ ** _Ren might require more interpersonal interactions for the sake of his mental health (and consequentially, my mental health)._

 **_Objective:_ ** _Secure Ren a worthy sparring partner and stop worrying about asinine things._

 **_Conclusion:_ ** _Troopers were all but useless, Officers are too terrified and Phasma is uninterested in my ‘emotional entanglement.’ I have offered my services to Ren._

 **_Follow-up:_ ** _Ren seemed bothered at first, but I think he prefers the company. Good to teach him too that I’m a viable adversary. I don’t think he was expecting it._

There had been an entire two-week ordeal that Ren thought was some strange virus going around the ship; Troopers had kept ‘happening,’ upon him while he was exercising, offered themselves as sparring partners and Ren nearly killed each one that dared interrupt his work-out.

He wonders why none of them ever just told him that the General had sent them.

Kylo thinks they may have been sworn to secrecy.

The apples of his cheeks tickle strangely, imagining the General pulling Troopers out of their neat lines and telling them that as a direct order, they need to go to the gym and offer to spar with Kylo and not to breathe a word about where the order came from.

And he _had_ thought Hux was a worthy opponent. And it _had_ surprised him.

The first time Hux swept Kylo’s feet and landed him on his ass on the mat, Kylo had looked up at him in shock and Hux had laughed, asking, “what exactly do you think they teach us at the Academy? Knitting?”

It had been a good sleep cycle that one – Kylo very nearly called it ‘fun.’

 **_Observation:_ ** _Ren wears his hair much too long._

 **_Theory:_ ** _Ren does this to be contrary or for some dramatic ‘aesthetic.’_

 **_Concern:_ ** _His non-regulation hair blocks his sight during sparring and will inevitably distract him in combat._

 **_Counterpoint:_ ** _Ren is probably used to his hair’s length and compensates for it somehow._

 **_Counterpoint to Counterpoint:_ ** _Keeping it long is unnecessarily counterproductive and he should get rid of it regardless of whether or not he can compensate for it._

 **_Objective:_ ** _Get Ren’s hair out of his face._

 **_Conclusion:_ ** _Left bands on his bedside table in his quarters. He’ll probably know it was me, but that’s Fine._

 **_Follow-up:_ ** _Ren used the bands, his sparring has improved (he must have had such a blind spot, he’s doing much better) and he has made no mention of the bands to me. He either doesn’t know it was me or doesn’t care to discuss it._

Kylo had wondered where the bands came from, certainly, but he’d just never cared all that much about them to follow up on them.

It’s humbling to find out that after all this time there was a watchful eye; Kylo never knew someone was looking out for him.

The old-him would have been offended by this ‘baby-sitting,’ but Kylo Ren of the Resistance is really rather flattered. On his best days, Kylo is hard to tolerate, nevermind _like_ and Hux knew him during his worst _years_ , but still managed to genuinely _care_ about him. He can’t imagine how.

 **_Observation:_ ** _Ren’s curiosity about my past and personal affairs is expanding._

 **_Theory:_ ** _Ren is looking for blackmail or is honestly interested in getting to know me._

 **_Concern:_ ** _He asked for my first name and I lied. I don’t know why. I didn’t want for him to laugh at my name, but I should hardly care what Ren thinks about it. I gave him my middle name instead; Roane._

 **_Realization:_ ** _I am concerned he knows I’ve lied and I am concerned by my own willingness to cooperate. There may even be a part of me that is glad for his attention._

 **_Objective:_ ** _Determine whether or not Ren’s intentions are nefarious in nature and act accordingly._

 **_Conclusion:_ ** _If Ren is looking for blackmail, he won’t find any and if he wants to get to know me, I might just let him. Follow up at a later date._

 

Kylo doesn’t recognize the date on this entry as an important one – he does remember sensing Hux’s lie, though – he remembers that particular conversation. Because it was only a half-lie, Kylo didn’t know what to make of it and so accepted it. He thought that it was perhaps not too unlike telling someone that he was Ben Solo – it was only a half-lie. Maybe Hux was no longer that person, but it was the only name he could give Kylo at the time.

Either way, Kylo never blamed Hux for his secrecy – his high walls seemed, much like the rest of him, meticulously maintained and irritatingly efficient.

 **_Observation:_ ** _Ren’s company has gone from tolerable to desired._

 **_Theory:_ ** _Ren is using his Force-magic to make me want his companionship; this could be because he is manipulative by nature or he would like to see me fall from grace and has some grand conspiracy brewing._

 **_Concern:_ ** _Ren isn’t doing anything at all but being himself and that is the actual reason I am drawn to him._

 **_Realization:_ ** _I have never wanted for dangerous things before wanting Ren’s companionship. Ren has also said to me before that my ‘mental fortitude’ is too great to be toyed with via the Force. I never fully trust him, though._

 **_Objective:_ ** _Obtain Ren’s favor through quality-bonding techniques and encouraging the trade of personal information._

 **_Conclusion:_ ** _If I find I like having Ren’s companionship and can come to trust him, the risks of this objective will be well worth it._

Kylo smiles down at the holopad, remembering in sharp definition the day Hux told him he trusted him. Based on the date of this entry, it was almost four standard months after Hux had set up this objective.

They had been sparring as they did most sleep cycles and Kylo had offered to show Hux a different way of dislocating an enemy’s shoulder – he could only do this through demonstration. He assured Hux he wouldn’t actually apply any pressure, but just show him where and how to.

Hux had looked at him for a beat, nodded and replied, “it’s fine – I trust you,” and then extended his arm.

Kylo had felt honored at the time, knowing the General did not use words like ‘trust,’ lightly. He had no idea just how much time and thought had gone into that small statement, though. That memory feels monumentally different now, headier and more emotionally charged than it ever had before.

Hux trusted him.

His heart sinks, feeling swollen and damp in his ribcage.

He wonders if Hux would still trust him now. He wonders what Hux thought when Kylo defected. He wonders if he’ll find the answers to those questions in this personal holopad.

There is a nudging sensation and then Rey’s voice.

_“Why do you **care**!? You think he’ll **help you**!?”_

Kylo is very suddenly standing in the base’s makeshift interrogation room, aware he is not physically there and that neither can sense his presence.

_Hux is tied up, his mouth is bloody, his hair is unkempt and a dark bruise has formed around his right eye. His shoulders are defiantly stiff, his posture is sharp and angry, but his eyes – in the depths of them – there is a bone-deep fatigue._

_“Are you worried he will?” Hux asks with a smirk that doesn’t reach his eyes._

_The sarcastic question enrages Rey and she smacks him across the face, hard enough to break the skin. Her eyes are wild and dark, her hair is coming undone from its braid and her powers are blowing up beyond her ready control – the entire room feels like a pot of boiling water that’s been left unattended and the top on it is bouncing up and down, ready to fly off at any second._

_“He is **not** an ally to the First Order anymore. He sees **reason** , he wears **shame** for the genocide he allowed you to commit – he is **no** ally of yours,” Rey argues, the weight of dead worlds and billions of ghosts on her tense shoulders._

_Hux quirks a brow and replies, “I don’t believe I said he was an ally. And I **did** notice his departure from the First Order – I’ve got a sharp eye about these things, you know. Alliances are weak things, just signatures and as fickle as a feather on the wind. You’re not worried that he might rescue me because we’re **friends**?”_

_In her immediate repulsion, Rey stretches out her hand and invades Hux’s mind. His mental fortitude is great – he is no easy mind to break or infiltrate._

Kylo knows from his own personal endeavors in trying to sneak into it; Hux always felt him somehow. He never punished Kylo for it, but he would roll his eyes and order Kylo to stop ‘snooping.’

Rey isn’t holding back, though – she’s causing Hux intense physical pain and Kylo can feel it – he can feel every nerve burning, can feel Hux’s instinctive fight for survival only drawing out the pain longer. His skull feels like it’s being slowly carved into, falling in on itself like Starkiller base.

_Hux’s neck is arched back, his head turned the other way, trying to distance himself from Rey’s open, shaking palm._

_“Oh,” Rey mocks, fury and Darkness overtaking her every feature, “Oh, I see. I **see** you, **Aurelien Roane Hux**.”_

_Hux hisses and his brow furrows deeply, his throat bobbing as if it’s hard to breathe. Her using his name reminds him of his torturous youth, the use of it is degrading and he’d have preferred another laceration than to hear her say it._

_“You **aren’t** Kylo’s friend,” she says, curling around and over Hux like a predatory snake, “You’re much more than that, aren’t you?”_

Kylo hasn’t a clue what she means. He can’t tell either if the tears building in Hux’s eyes are for the physical agony he’s in or whatever emotions Rey is uprooting inside him. Kylo’s disturbed by those tears, regardless. He’s never seen Hux so weak, so painfully visible and rather than be disappointed in Hux for it, he does feel tempted to go to the interrogation room in something other than his astral form.

He _does_ feel tempted to save Hux.

_“No?” Rey asks, digging further into Hux’s mind, stealing more of Hux’s breath and making him writhe in the chair he’s stuck to, “Am I not right? You just **wanted** to be, didn’t you? You **wanted** to be more than his friend, but you aren’t. You’re **less** than a friend, Aurelien Hux. He left you behind and you’re wounded by that. You were glad at your capture – I can see it. I can feel it. You were hoping you’d see him again, weren’t you? You’re **pathetic**.”_

When Rey lowers her hand and Hux starts gasping for air, Kylo is thrust out of the room again and back into his physical body.

He’s in the conference room, still holding tight to that holopad. The one he shouldn’t have known the password to.

His tie to Hux is strong, but it has never pulled his astral form out without warning before. His tie to Hux through the Force has never interacted with his astral form at all, actually.

He thinks that must be important – there must be some reason that Hux’s torture, that his thoughts and the pain he’s currently enduring were significant enough to actually tug Kylo’s soul from his body.

He distantly wishes he could contact Leia and ask what it means, but if Leia were to find out that Hux is on the base and being tortured by Rey, he isn’t sure what would become of them all. He doesn’t feel like he owes Rey to keep this a secret, precisely, but he feels as though he isn’t meant to stand in her way anymore. That it’s the last respect he can pay to her that’s genuine, even if it’s not enough to make up for what he’s done to her.

He shakes his head and looks down at the holopad again. It’s then he sees a folder of ‘Thoughts.’ He doesn’t quite understand what the difference between observations and thoughts is, but he’s in want to find out.

When he opens the folder, he finds two simple lists offered; **Fine to Have** and **Not Fine to Have**.

“Thoughts?” Kylo asks himself in a murmur, opening both lists alongside one another to compare; _thoughts that are fine to have versus thoughts that are not fine to have? Bizarre._

‘Fine to Have,’ is a long list, but not nearly as long as the ‘Not Fine to Have,’ list.

**_Fine to Have:_ **

_Ren is handsome, objectively and that is Fine._

_Ren is handsome, **subjectively** and that borders on Not Fine._

_Ren is tall and that is Fine._

_Ren is unintentionally funny at times and that’s Fine._

_Ren is intentionally funny at times and that’s Fine._

_Ren is interesting and that’s Fine._

_Ren is emotionally intellectual and that’s Fine._

_Ren is emotionally oversaturated and that’s Fine._

_Ren is strong in most ways and that’s Fine._

_Ren is surprisingly easy to talk to and that’s Fine._

_Ren is irresponsible and impulsive and that’s Fine._

_Ren tries to compensate for his transgressions and that’s Fine._

_Ren tries to help me when he can and that’s Fine._

_Ren tries to align his spiritual with his physical strength and that’s Fine._

_Ren tries to get to know me and that borders on Not Fine._

_Ren has very thick hair and that’s Fine._

_Ren has very dark eyes and that’s Fine._

_Ren has very strong muscles and that’s Fine._

_Ren has very long lashes and that’s Fine._

_Ren has very broad hands and that’s Fine._

_Ren has very useful hands and that’s Fine._

_Ren has very full lips and that’s Fine._

_Ren has delusions of grandeur and that’s Fine._

_Ren has several beauty marks and that’s Fine._

_Ren has several scars and that’s Fine._

_Ren has more talents than I first expected and that’s Fine._

_I want what is best for Ren and that’s Fine._

_I want Ren’s inner turmoil to cease and that’s Fine._

_I consider Ren’s emotions before making decisions and that borders on Not Fine._

_I think of Ren when he is not with me and that borders on Not Fine._

_I think of Ren when I fight and that’s Fine._

_I care that Ren trusts me as I have grown to trust him._

_I care about Ren to some degree and that borders on Not Fine._

**_Not Fine to Have:_ **

_Ren is sexually attractive and I want him and that is Not Fine._

_Ren is sexually attractive and I want him to fuck me and that is Not Fine._

_Ren is sexually attractive and I want to fuck him and that is Not Fine._

_Ren is sexually attractive and I fantasize about him constantly and that is Not Fine._

_Ren is extremely handsome and I hate that he denies me the pleasure of looking at him with that stupid mask and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren is extremely handsome and I want to tell him that and that is **definitively** Not Fine._

_Ren makes me laugh and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren makes me smile and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren makes life slightly more bearable and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren makes me forget my troubles and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren makes me want to be more than I am and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren makes me glad to be alive at the same time as him and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren is fascinating and I want to know more about him all the time and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren is fascinating and I want to become an expert on him and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren is highly emotional and I don’t mind it at all and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren is highly emotional and it rubs off on me when he’s emotional **around** me and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren is highly emotional and he makes me feel things I’m unused to feeling and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s strengths are admirable and I want to learn from him and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s strengths speak to great trials overcome and I empathize with him while wanting to know more and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren talks and I listen closely because I feel like everything he says matters deeply and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren talks and it makes **me** want to talk to **him** and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren talks and I enjoy hearing his voice – his real one – and I can hear it when I fall asleep and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren makes me want to connect on an emotional level with him and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren makes me want to do and say and think reckless, impulsive things and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren makes efforts to undo damage from his outbursts and apologizes without apologizing and I don’t mind and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren tries to help me at work he has no education in and I find that endearing and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren tries to be friendly toward me and I **want** him to be friendly toward me and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s accounts of spiritual journeys is enough to make me believe in spirits and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s spirituality inspires me to find my own and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s spiritual practices are at times poetic, make me believe in things larger than this galaxy or universe and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren asks me about myself and I want to answer his questions and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren asks me about myself and I want to give him all of myself and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s hair is much too long and I want to brush it and touch it and hold it and pull it and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s eyes are dark and vast enough to get lost in and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s eyes can make me lose my train of thought and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s beauty marks are distractingly attractive and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s beauty marks make him particularly unique and I want to count them all and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s body is mostly muscle and I want to feel every last one of them and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s arms are particularly strong and I want to know what it feels like to be held in them and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s arms are particularly strong and I want to know what it feels like to be lifted up in them and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s arms are long like his legs and I want to know what it feels like to have him hold himself over me and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s legs are tall and strong and I want to know what it feels like to have them around my waist and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s thighs might be made of titanium and I want to know what it feels like to have them press around my head and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s torso looks carved out of granite and I’m tempted to touch it and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s torso has artful lines where the definition of his muscles show and I want to know what they taste like and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s torso has evident muscles I want to see twitch under my touch and that is Not Fine._

_Ren’s scars are bloody **beautiful** to me and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s hands are broad, calloused and powerful and I want to hold them and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s hands cross my mind frequently – too frequently – and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s hands on my face, in my hair and on my body would be divine and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s hands can manipulate space-time and it’s mesmerizing to watch what he does and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s hands are often his tools in the use of the Force and he is ethereal to me when he uses it and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s lips are dark and full and I want to kiss him very badly and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s lips draw my eyes and I want him to notice when I stare and that’s Not Fine._

_Ren’s lips draw my eyes and I want him to **do something** about it and that’s Not Fine._

_I want what is best for Ren because I’m deeply, personally invested in his wellness and that’s Not Fine._

_I want what is best for Ren because I feel Ren deserves peace and contentment and that’s Not Fine._

_I want what is best for Ren because I worry after him and that’s Not Fine._

_I want what is best for Ren because I want him to have health and long life and that’s Not Fine._

_I want to **be** what is best for Ren and that is Not Fine._

_I want to be what Ren wants and what Ren needs and that’s Not Fine._

_I want to be what is most important to Ren in all his life and that’s Not Fine._

_I want to be with Ren and Ren alone and that’s Not Fine._

_I want to spend all of my time with Ren until there’s no time left in the universe and that’s Not Fine._

_I want to dress Ren in the robes and gems finer than he’s ever known and that’s Not Fine._

_I want to give Ren all the power I can possibly give him and that’s Not Fine._

_I want to keep Ren’s sadness at bay and calm him when he’s undone and that’s Not Fine._

_I want to be medicinal to Ren and that’s Not Fine._

_I want to fall asleep next to Ren and that’s Not Fine._

_I want to wake up in Ren’s arms and that’s Not Fine._

_I think of Ren the entire cycle through and that’s Not Fine._

_I think of Ren even as I dream and that’s Not Fine._

_I think of Ren upon first waking and that’s Not Fine._

_I think of Ren before falling asleep and that’s Not Fine._

_I think of Ren during every hour in between and that’s Not Fine._

_I would want Ren to think of me as much as I think of him and that’s Not Fine._

_I would want Ren to think of me in the same **ways** I think of him and that’s Not Fine._

_I would want Ren to care about me as deeply as I have come to care about him and that’s Not Fine._

_I would want Ren to trust me as I trust him – wholly and completely, as I have with no one else and that is Not Fine._

_I would want Ren to know that I fight for him and that’s Not Fine._

_I would want Ren to know that I would kill and die for him and that’s Not Fine._

_I would want Ren to know that I would live and lose all I’ve ever had to do so with him if he so wanted me to and that’s Not Fine._

_I would want Ren to know that I would dominate, destroy and command worlds for him and that’s Not Fine._

_I would want Ren to know that I would submit to him, to Snoke and to the Resistance if he asked it of me. And that is Not Fine._

_I care about Ren much more than I intended to and that’s Not Fine._

_I care about Ren so deeply it can hurt despite being a good feeling and that’s Not Fine._

_I care about Ren enough to grow to love him and that’s Not Fine._

_~~I think I love Ren and that’s Not Fine.~~ I love Ren. It’s Not Fine._

Kylo’s heart is pounding in his ears and he needs to reach Leia – he knows Rey means to kill Hux before the end of this all and he can’t let it happen. It’s not about Rey anymore – it’s about Hux.

His thumb slips and it scrolls to the more recent posts.

The one he finds is dated just a month after he defected.

 **_Observation:_ ** _Ren is gone._

 **_Theory:_ ** _Ren is either on an undercover mission from Snoke I’m not privy to or he has truly defected._

 **_Concern:_ ** _Ren **has** truly defected._

 **_Counterpoint:_ ** _Even if Ren truly has defected, which I can’t know for certain yet, then he would be an enemy of the First Order and I should scrub him from my mind._

 **_Realization:_ ** _I lack whatever ability is required to demolish what I feel for Ren. I don’t know what will become of me if he has truly defected._

 **_Objective:_ ** _Find Ren. Get Ren back._

 **_Conclusion:_ ** _I will secure a travel pod and study his last documented coordinates. I will find an appropriate time to sneak away. I do not know how long this journey will take me, but I will not stop until I have secured him._

The next entry is from three standard months after Kylo defected…

 **_Observation:_ ** _My health is deteriorating. Rapidly._

 **_Theory:_ ** _My body is surrendering to the wills of my heart and not my mind. My mind is still quite sharp, but I’ve been overcome with insomnia, hallucinations and paranoid delusions._

 **_Concern:_ ** _I will fall apart at the seams before I ever reach Ren and if I do reach Ren, he won’t come back with me. I will deteriorate._

 **_Realization:_ ** _Allowing myself to trust and to love Kylo Ren is possibly the greatest mistake of my life but is in no way regrettable and if even given the chance to retract it all, I wouldn’t._

 **_Objective:_ ** _Focus energies on getting Ren back. In a way, it seems, my heart beats in his chest now and not my own._

 **_Conclusion:_ ** _I am a lesser person when Ren is absent and I must join him. Whether he returns with me or I am made to join him and betray my status in the First Order, I cannot continue like this._

 **_Subsequent Realization:_ ** _I need Ren._

The last entry is from only two standard weeks ago…

 **_Observation:_ ** _I am closing in on Ren’s last known location._

 **_Theory:_ ** _Something nauseatingly sentimental like the Force or my love for him is what is drawing us back together._

 **_Concern:_ ** _I will be killed on-sight. Also, I miss Millicent terribly._

 **_Realization:_ ** _Ren might be among the Rebels that find me. I would like that. Particularly if I must die, I’d prefer to look on Ren’s beauty as it’s done. I can’t imagine the Rebels let him wear that atrocious mask – I have never been one for sharing, but it does seem a pity to the rest of the galaxy that only so few have seen Ren’s unique and striking beauty._

 **_Objective:_ ** _Try not to die. Try to get to Ren. Kiss Ren if at all possible. If he kills me for it, I dare say it’ll be worth it anyway._

 **_Conclusion:_ ** _I love him. I don’t know that there is much more to be said or done for the matter. I’m lost to the sanity of the world, taken with Kylo Ren and willing to do anything to have him with me again._

 **_Subsequent Realization:_ ** _I’m well and truly gone on this man._

Unwilling to let the holopad go, Kylo tucks it into his jacket and rushes to the nearest office with a comm. He’s so anxious that he can’t even sit at the table; he just crouches over the table, shoves the head piece against his ear, taps into Leia’s personal line and tells her to hurry back, that her presence is needed and needed _now_.

“Why? What’s happening?” Leia asks worriedly.

“A few of your rangers shot down a travel pod belonging to the First Order,” Kylo explains, rubbing at where he feels Hux’s broken ribs on his own body, “There was only one passenger, who happened to be General Hux. He was looking for me. Rey is interrogating him and she can’t fight off the Dark. Arguing with her would have only devolved into a fight between the two of us and I don’t know what would have happened. I let her take him – I let her –”

“No, that was wise of you – her pull to the Dark side has been strong and her struggle is long from over. I only wish you had let me know sooner,” Leia comforts.

“I wasn’t sure what to do,” Kylo admits, anxiety crawling up his back like an oversized arachnid in his spinal cord, “You need to get back here. She _will_ kill him if you don’t get here in time.”

There’s a rustle, sounds of quick movement and then Leia responds, “I’m on my way. I’m still two hours away at the least. I’ll have to turn off the comm and direct all energy to the navigation systems. I’ll be going dark until I’m within close range again. Do what you can to keep him alive.”

Kylo’s eyes water, all of his blood feels like a rushing river, “he can _not_ die.”

“I understand – he will face trial as he should,” Leia answers, “Rey is wrong in what she is doing – this will haunt her, no matter how it ends. I won’t let vigilante justice run amok on the base. I swear, the General will see trial –”

“ _No_ , Mom, I _love_ him.”

Bile rises in Kylo’s throat and his stomach flips over. The silence is deafening and it lasts far, far too long.

Kylo knew somewhere deeper inside him for longer than he could know to admit that he reciprocated Hux’s feelings. Hux’s walls were high, reinforced and efficient, yes, but Kylo cared for Hux long before he left. He cared for Hux and lived for the sleep cycles they sparred, for the occasional meals they would share, for the gossip they would trade telepathically at meetings they should have been paying attention to.

Hux might be made of moonstone, ice and lapis, but he is so much more than his darkness. And Kylo knows now, written in Hux’s own words that Hux will defect if Kylo so asks him to.

If Kylo walks into that interrogation room and tells Hux to surrender, Hux will and then he could focus on keeping Hux alive – arguing that he’s more valuable alive than he is dead for the genocide he committed. He can protect Hux. He knows he can. He knows he wants to.

“I… I’m sorry – I –“

“No,” Leia interrupts, voice watery, “No, that’s okay. It’s okay. I’m – we’ll figure something out, okay? We’ll… we’ll find a way.”

Kylo holds his forehead, his hair falling around him like curtains and he sighs out a struggled exhale, “he’s all… in the Dark – he was all I had. I know – I know what he’s done, what I _helped_ him do and I know what the galaxy will say and think if they come to find that we’ve kept him alive, even offered a fair trial or protected him. I know what I’m asking you for is impossible… but even when I had nothing, I had Hux. When I was lost, I could find him and he was my focal point. He kept me sane. When I felt the pull to the Light… more often than not, it was really the pull to him. I can’t… if I ask him to surrender, to defect – he will. He’ll do it for me.”

Leia makes a thoughtful pause before asking Kylo with genuine curiosity, “this General… he loves you?”

Kylo touches at the holopad under his jacket and replies, “I’m pretty sure I’m the only thing or person he’s ever loved.”

There’s another brief silence and he adds, pleadingly, “please… Mom. I… need your help. You’re… you’re my only hope.”

With a sudden determination, Leia responds, “don’t worry, Ren. I’m on my way back now and I won’t allow anyone to kill him. If he’s to be anyone’s prisoner, he will be yours to keep. We’ll play it by ear but I _will_ help you. Let’s not waste anymore time. I’m on my way and I will help you, Ren. I swear.”

“Thank you,” Kylo says honestly, nodding to no one, breath shallow, “Thank you.”

“Of course, Ren. Before I’m anything else in this galaxy, I’m your mother. I will always love you and I will always do what I think is best for you. If you know he is what is best for you, I believe you and I will go to any length to help you.”

Shutting his eyes against the onslaught of emotion, Kylo can feel his mother’s presence through the Force – she can feel the eruption from him, she can feel the commotion in his soul. He can feel hers too and his eyes water.

“I… I love you too.”

He hears Leia’s breath catch, but there’s a smile and he’s glad to have made her smile and he’s not sure when this started. Maybe he’s just brimming with gratitude for whatever she is going to do for him and he’ll regret having said it in a moment, but he doesn’t think that’s the case. He thinks he means it and always will – that even though Ben Solo is dead, she hasn’t lost everyone and he wants her to know that and feel that.

“I’m on my way, Ren,” she says gently.

There’s a click and the channel is turned off.

Kylo wastes no time; he tears off the headpiece, turns off the comm, rushes out of the room and takes off toward the makeshift interrogation room, but Hux and Rey are no longer there.

His powers blanket the base like feelers, looking for that beacon that has always hailed him home.

He can’t narrow in on it. He has a general idea of where Hux is, but the image and feeling are vague and it occurs to him that Rey is intentionally shielding them. She’s got Hux and doesn’t want Ren to find her.

That can’t mean anything good.

Panic envelopes him and he shuts his eyes, seeking out that cord that ties him to Hux, loose and dull as Rey’s barriers make it – he follows it out into a courtyard where there are Rebels chanting, screaming and cursing. Hux is on a platform, his ankles and wrists still tied behind him, on his knees in his undone uniform. His hair is a mess, he’s bruised and battered and Rey’s eyes are unrecognizable.

She’s circling Hux like a vulture, igniting her lightsaber and Kylo reaches for his, but hesitates. He hesitates like a coward. He has seen eyes like the ones on Rey now – he knows what it’s like to be so deep in the Dark that you are capable of unspeakable destruction.

She is fueled by hatred right now and nothing Kylo does or says will snap her out of it. He hasn’t any idea what to do. His voice is impossible to hear over the crowds shouting around the platform and he wonders if Dameron or Finn could talk Rey down from this, because he knows he can’t, but he can’t find either of them in the masses.

_Rey, **don’t**._

Her dark eyes find his instantly.

_You **aren’t** saving him, Ren. You’re not beholden to this monster anymore!_

Kylo shakes his head, pushing through the crowds to get closer to the platform.

_I’m a monster too, Rey._

_Do you know how he thinks of you? Do you know that he honestly thinks you’d take his side?_

Kylo’s brows curve in and he opens his mouth as if to speak, knowing she’d never hear him even if he did use his voice. His hands are shaking – they’ve never done that before.

_I do. I do know how he thinks of me. I think of him the same way, Rey. He loves me – he loved me at my worst, Rey. He has seen my depravity and loved me regardless. He loves me enough to surrender to the Rebellion. If I ask it of him, he’ll do anything._

Rey’s expression turns thunderous.

_He committed genocides and unspeakable war crimes, Ren. You really think he’s capable of loving another human being?_

_I’m not a human being_ , Kylo responds without thinking first, _I’m a monster. He and I are alike, Rey. Don’t kill him. Leia is on her way back. She will see to his –_

_Leia!? You see, this is the problem! That you and Leia and so many Rebels have – you all think that fairness, equality – that checks and balances apply to beasts like him! They don’t! There is no rehabilitation for men like General Hux! He is too dangerous to let live, Ren. You know this._

“Don’t,” Kylo mutters out loud, his throat failing him, his chest feeling loose somehow, “Don’t.”

_He can remain my prisoner – I won’t let him out of my sight. He has information and if I ask him to defect he will and he could help us win this war. With Hux on our side, his genius is unmatched, he would be –_

“ _Enough_!” Rey shouts.

Kylo is close enough to the platform now that when Hux lifts his head, they’re able to lock eyes. The fatigue in Hux’s eyes evaporates like a broken fever and though there’s no smile on his lips, Kylo can see one in his gaze.

_I won’t fight for men like him. I won’t kill and die for men like him, I won’t live beside men like him and I won’t stand to see men like him walk freely. You are blinded by your affections, Ren. Affections that he doesn’t deserve. He has manipulated you – if I’ve learned anything over the last few hours it is that he is a master manipulator and you would not be his first or last victim._

Shaking his head, Kylo keeps his eyes on Hux, his heart pounding.

_It’s not like that, Rey. He wouldn’t use me. He’s the only person that’s never tried to use me._

_And what other fairytales has he told you?_

Kylo shuts his eyes tightly, trying to quickly calculate some way of saying what he means and get it across to Rey, but her fury has pulled her far away. She wants to serve, she wants to protect; she sees Hux for his transgressions and sees that the only solution is to eliminate him. And frankly, Kylo thinks she’s probably right in that.

Hux is one of the most dangerous entities in this galaxy and that’s without Force sensitivity. Hux’s mind is a demented, labyrinthine minefield, full of only devastation, ruin and cold genius. There is a corner of his heart, though, that belongs to Kylo. There’s one thawed artery, one human, blood-red valve that is for him and him alone. He makes Hux feel something and that should mean something – Kylo doesn’t know that the fact that Hux is capable of love and forgiveness means he ought to receive any.

Kylo is unsure of a lot in the universe, but the philosophy and ethics can come into play later. All he needs now is to know he can get to Hux, gather Hux up in his arms, steal him away to Kylo’s quarters and heal the wounds from his interrogation. He should kiss Hux as well, tell Hux he trusts him and cares for him and thinks about him day and night as well – that everything he’s ever felt is reciprocated and if he’d known Hux felt that way about him before he’d defected…

He doesn’t know. Perhaps he would have attempted to get Hux to follow him.

Hux would have, too.

_Rey, **please** don’t do this._

_If I don’t kill him_ , Rey answers him, _then I take the side of the First Order. Doing nothing in the face of evil is worse than the evil itself, Ren. Apathy is choosing the side of the oppressor. He designed, engineered and built Starkiller. He designed the nightmarish, dehumanizing program Finn was **forced** into and when he fired Starkiller, he was **proud**. He was **proud of himself** , Ren. Your mother is a sweet and smart woman, but she is stuck in the past – a time when clemency was a luxury we could afford, where sympathy for the enemy could unite opposing sides. That time is not ours._

“Rey…” Kylo mutters, pleading.

“Ren.”

Kylo takes a shaking step toward Hux, the roar of the masses behind him quieting as he hones in on the familiar cadence and lilt of Hux’s voice. His name feels right. “Ren,” feels right when it leaves Hux’s lips – it fits him, it’s as natural as breathing. He’s Ren when Hux calls him Ren and Ren is who he wants to be.

_Yes, Hux. I’m here._

Hux does smile for him then.

_You know I hate when you go into my head like this._

_I don’t want to miss anything you say._

Hux ducks his face, like this is a time to be shy or coy, but he’s smiling – as if he weren’t tied up and being verbally bludgeoned by Rebels that want him dead a billion times over. When he looks back up at Ren, his eyes are glassy and his smile is calm.

_I found you._

_You did._

_So many travel pods taken out of the hangars without proper check-out procedures, sneaking away into your quarters to meditate for cycles at a time with no warning, then wandering off into the woods on Starkiller and now this – you’ve really got to stop slipping from under my watch. Losing track of you is a terrible headache, you know._

Kylo smiles back at Hux and responds, _I’m sorry. I should have told you. I shouldn’t have left without a word, but I thought it was safer that way._

_I’d much rather live in danger beside you than in relative safety without you._

An unbearable heat is building behind Kylo’s eyes and panic is mounting in his stomach.

_I read your observations. And your lists._

When Hux looks surprised, Kylo shows just a sliver of the holopad from under his jacket and Hux flushes. He’s very apparently trying to keep his features aloof when he asks Kylo, _and?_

 _And it’s Fine_ , Kylo tells him, _It’s all Fine._

Everything after that is in a flash of color, everything a blur. All at once, Hux grins at him, like Kylo is a star rising over some long awaited horizon, love barrels out of Hux’s energies and nearly knocks Kylo over with its force – Rey’s saber comes down while the two of them are distracted and the cord that’s always existed between Kylo and Hux snaps.

The beacon is gone, the light snuffed out and there’s a hole punched in the Force, there’s a disturbance, a vacuum. That red hair like a flame hits the floor of the platform, separate from the body that slouches and falls after it and the ground opens up under Kylo’s feet.

Darkness swarms him, every tether he has to the Light fraying and snapping apart, his hands shaking violently, rage coursing through him so hot and fast that it’s simultaneously freezing and sluggish. The unreality of what’s just happened threatens to drive him mad in seconds. His eyes find Rey’s and her features have changed.

The crowds are still loud, but it’s all just noise. They may as well be alone.

Rey looks at him with eyes much more familiar, much more human, much more Light – she’s shaken, she doesn’t know how exactly she lost control of herself, how her moral compass went so haywire but it hardly matters. It hardly matters when she sees Kylo’s face.

He can’t imagine what he looks like, but the outpour of empathy, sympathy, remorse, regret and the instinctive need for redemption washes of Kylo in waves. She’s exuding sorrow and shame and worry – she wants to cry, she wants to put her arms around Kylo, but Kylo wouldn’t let her touch him even if she were near enough to do so.

He stumbles backwards, breaking their stare and he hears her call for him, but it’s all just noise, it’s all meaningless, it’s all void and horribly, terribly empty and white.

“He would have helped us,” Kylo mumbles to no one.

Rey is still calling for him, trying to get down from the platform to get to him, but she’s being swarmed by proud, incited Rebels that want to honor her for her vigilante justice. Rebels that don’t know what it is to live a loveless existence but for a single soul.

“He would have done anything – anything at all,” Kylo mutters, those hot tears that had been building finally falling down his face, “He loved me.”

 _He loved me_ – and it echoes, despairing and agonized into the Force, into the vacuum Hux’s death has left behind – he can feel how Rey hears it and feels his bottomless pain, he can sense his mother and her despair for him because she feels him and hears him too – _He **loved** me._

Kylo can’t bear to look at the body on the platform – he can’t stand any of it anymore. He needs to get away and quickly. Rey is calling after him as he stumbles unevenly away on legs that are rapidly losing feeling, his face and ears are much too hot and even as the world is dulled around him, everything is too sharp and too much. Rey is calling after him, but he doesn’t know what it is she’s calling him.

Even confirmed as a Rebel, no one calls him Ben Solo, not even the woman that gave him that name. No one makes the mistake of calling him Han, even when the light hits him just right or his clothes are similar and his frame is markedly familiar. Most days, even the name ‘Kylo,’ feels wrong.

The name “Ren,” has only felt right on a single man’s tongue and Kylo knows that this will all come to hurt. That his heart will bruise and bleed, that he needs to go kill something or destroy something before he acts out on the living people around him and he knows his mourning has only just begun. He knows this floating moment of surreal phantasmagoria will pass and the pain will sharpen, turn serrated and become too much to bear – he knows this.

But for that surreal moment, for this willing suspension of disbelief, all he can think is that he’s so very sad he’ll never hear his name again.

All he can think for that break in space-time is that he’s nameless, all around him is nonsensical noise, how nothing will feel right or fit him properly.

He is only beginning to mourn Hux, but for that moment, he mourns _Ren_ – the man who was loved at even his most monstrous, cared after without owing anyone for it, the man who was adored by the General who could never love anything or anyone else.

Hux’s voice will never meet Kylo’s ears again, which is wrong, unnatural, it’s not right – it’s _not right_ , but it’s true. Hux will never say Kylo’s name again and deep in Kylo, he knows that it truly means that he’ll never have a name again.

He can still hear Hux’s voice from minutes before, how he’d all but whispered, “Ren,” and it rings like a bell in Kylo’s head, like a broken record looping over and over. In that moment, that’s what hurts the most – not that he’s lost Hux, because that pain isn’t fully grown yet. No, for that moment, what hurts the most is that he will never have a name again.


End file.
